This American Life has become more and more sentimental. Sometimes it's difficult for me to listen, because the stories have all become the same.

I thought that beauty was over rated. But now I search for it, want it, need it. One needs beauty in their life, be surround by it, feel it, see it, appreciate it. I haven't seen beauty for awhile and I don't know where I can find it again. I used to think that it was in Paris and New York. It may still be there. When I go to New York now, I feel disconnected and angry. I don't feel that the people there appreciate it as much as I would. I miss the city. A city with stories and secrets and glamour and beauty. All I see is bareness, the inside of a room with cubicles. When do our life become a room full of ugly things? When am I going to forgive myself for making this mistake? I once thought that you could be anything and now I don't know if I believe that.

I miss metros, parks, my 8th floor walk up. I miss the fresh air, baguettes, walking, running, talking. I miss shopping, finding things that I like, something to look forward to. I miss walking in the winter, in the spring, in the summer. I don't miss walking in the rain. I miss bagels. I miss thai restaurants. I miss reading on the metro to class. I miss walking by myself. I miss the possibilities of cities, of walking far and further. Of sidewalks.

looking for a less ordinary life

Where the hell are my New Yorkers? I've missed two issues already and I would like to get what I paid for, not an empty mailbox.

Reading List:

1) The autobiography of Malcolm X

The upstair neighbors are loud. I've never heard people stomp and move around so much. We used to live with loud beasts and now they live above us. Parents need to teach their kids how to walk.

Working in aftermarket in the aerospace industry means getting your butt kicked everyday. I hate that I don't know what a snap fit is. I am very happy right now, but I am also very insecure about my position. I don't think I am ready for my position, but I have to be. To be honest, I wish that my job was easier.

Why does Ira Glass always look like a pervert? Like he's thinking something dirty about you, but is talking about the most harmless things? I think its because of his long nose coupled with the smirk that's on every photograph. And the fact that he writes things like "fascinatinger." I love his radio show and it has been an integral part of my upbringing and continues to be a source of my education, but he is not likable in print or on television. I also find it a little offensive that This American Life is on Chicago Public Radio, but the show is taped in New York City. Is there no New York public radio?

This is the article that elicited the above response:

http://nymag.com/daily/intel/2010/08/ira_glass_likes_excess_and_gia.html

Wasting time is what I do best.

I ate a very spicy radish today. It was like eating scoops and scoops of wasabi. I die.

I like myself when I write

Weekend diet

Every weekend I read NY Diet in NY magazine so I think I am going to start posting my meals during the weekends.

Saturday, June 19

For breakfast, we drove forty-five minutes for Mrs. Murphy's Donuts in Southwick, MA. Mrs. Murphy's is the best thing about Connecticut and it's not even in CT! They have this cake donut, honey dew, that melts in your mouth. Unlike most cake donuts, it is light and doesn't leave you feeling thick and heavy. I also got a sugar-free blueberry scone and cinnamon bun. I usually save the scone for Sunday or Monday to eat at work. The cinnamon bun, like the honey dew, melts in your mouth. It must be loaded with butter, but I love it. Greg and I shared a bowl of New England Clam Chowder, which is also loaded with butter and tons of clams. I wiped the bottom of the bowl with some of the scone.

After Mrs. Murphy's we drove to Dzen Brother's Farms and picked strawberries and blueberries. It was the end of the season for strawberries so we did not pick many. I ate a lot of strawberries while picking and it made me kind of sick. Hot strawberries taste like jam. Blueberries are barely in season and tastes very starchy when it is hot. Both the strawberries and blueberries tasted better after being refrigerated.

For a mid-afternoon snack, I had left-over pork sliders, which had cole-slaw on top. I wasn't a fan of the cole-slaw, but it was probably the best pulled-pork I have had since moving to CT. The sliders were from Diamond Bar in Glastonbury.

Dinner was at our usual, Hanah Sushi in Manchester. The fish wasn't as fresh tonight, but we got our tuna tar tar, and three rolls.

Sunday, June 20

Breakfast was left-over Mrs. Murphy's.

During lunch I had corn on the cob and some chips and salsa.

After yoga, which was cancelled (to me disconcertion) I had blueberries and left-over steamed broccoli with mushroom and wine sauce. I ate more blueberries after eating all of the broccoli.

Yo, Texas representative Joe Barton is whack.

Regarding the oil spill:

“I do not want to live in a country where any time a citizen or a corporation does something that is legitimately wrong is subject to some sort of political pressure that is, again, in my words, amounts to a shakedown,” Mr. Barton added."

Really, cause I don't want to live in a country where my government apologizes to the company for ruining our water. More often than not, I find myself questioning the sanity of the Republican party and the people who vote for them.

Indecision

I spent the better half of my evening trying to buy tickets to Budapest. Stupid, stupid Orbitz! The tickets were $836 and then they were gone! Please, some airline, gives us some cheap tickets! After a week of searching, Greg and I still have no place to go in August. It was Tokyo, then Russia, and now Budapest. What are we going to do

Even performance art is for the rich and famous

Marina Abramovic and her troupe of performance artists have taken over the MOMA for the last two months in The Artist is Present. Although Marina has challenged the public to form a connection with the artist, only celebrities like James Franco, Bjork, and a list of other VIP's have had the opportunity to sit with the artist. This doesn't seem so transcendental after all.

Dinner is a bowl of cereal and a glass of red wine.

Something funny at work: "The problem we have with these engines....you see this giant cloud above Iceland? That's our problem."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aHuQqUviPho

This is one of the best fashion ads I've seen in awhile. It makes me want to own all of the clothes and part my hair like that. I like how it is Lolita inspired. Had a very unpleasant conversation with my supervisor. I hate Quest. They pay engineers shit and get away with it. Their entire system is stupid and their supervisors are stupid. I hope that I leave soon.

Chicken Caprese

I had this for dinner tonight. Except it looked better than this- cubed tomatoes with cubed mozzarella, basil and balsamic vinaigrette and balsamic reduction. WHAT DID YOU HAVE?

Before Taylor Swift, there was France Gall

This is the most joyous song I have heard in a long time: Nous ne sommes pas des anges. Listen now!

I've reached the bottom of my bag of pistachios and it is left with a bunch that I am unable to open. Somebody, quick, invent a pistachio cracker!

stonyfield yogurt = not good

I've always wanted to try Stonyfield yogurt. People are always buying it off the shelfs like its liquid gold. Maybe it's because of the "organic" headline. I tried it for the first time today and it is such a bland yogurt. The texture is chalky, with little lumps in between- unpleasant to look at. It would be fine if it tasted good, but the yogurt almost has a pill box taste. By almost, I am trying to be kind. It tastes like a crushed tylenol.

hello Seoul, we meet again

Although my trip to China has been a sobering one, I leave with hope. On my left wrist is my grandfather's watch, the one that has been on his wrist for 15 years. It will serve as a guide on the road ahead and a reminder of the responsibilities that I have to him and to my family. A responsibility that may lead to a cold and lonely future, but one that I must fufill and complete -to find the lost conscience of my race.

Seoul, Korea, Monday, 3:30 a,

I flew halfway across the world tonight.

Hating on Philly

Maybe its because of the Major Lazer (how can you not be an asshole if you listen to Major Lazer all day), but Philly kids got not respect. Learn how to respect other people's space please.

its been tough

I've had a tough two weeks. I feel pretty bleak, but I saw some alpacas last weekend and that made me feel good. I love alpacas. They are such cute animals and so observant. I've never seen a more observant animal. We went to an alpaca farm and met an alpaca named Moses. He was super cute, but he kind of scared of me when he tried to jump up like a dog. When I am older, I am going to raise alpacas.

Taxes

I spent 2 hours today on the federal and state income tax- all for $4. I found the process to be more difficult this year. All the different tax credits were confusing and convoluted. I hope that next year there will be less tax credits. I know most people might be befuddled by this, but I don't think tax credits are that helpful towards the poor and lower middle class. It is so time consuming and confusing. I believe most people will simply balk at the process- and I did it electronically. I can only imagine someone trying to file by paper-it must be even more difficult. At least TaxAct kind of explain what each segment is. Unless you had a professional tax filler, most people probably don't even know what each tax credit is and how to apply it and most people will not pay for a professional because they don't have the money.

I think it will be more simple if tax cuts are applied at the time of purchase. I understand why the government is doing it on tax forms instead- I think they are relying on people's laziness and confusion- that way, they get to keep most of the money and say that they provided many tax cuts. I think the Republican party is made of a group of very smart, very sadistic people who take advantage of people's ignorance. Almost every Republican is in love with the Regan era- they talk about his tax cuts and small government when that wasn't that at all. Those tax cuts? Statistics show that the disparity between the rich and the poor have increased since those tax cuts...and even more so during the Bush administration. And small government? What small government...it was only small in the business and financial sector. Now all the grass roots movement is all about small government, they distrust government...when all this distrust is rooted in the Republican party.

Chat Roulette

Chat Roulette is nuts. I'll probably be addicted to this site for the next six months (What else are you going to do in Connecticut?). Chat Roulette is a website that pairs you with a random stranger via video chat.

The first person I saw was a naked girl and her vagina. There were naked boys, naked men, and lots of cats. Some of the messages we received were: "get naked," "sex," "pussy." It wasn't long before I started yelling pussy at every person I was connected to. Some of my welcome comments included, "hey, you're not naked."

I was naive. And so were the students from Paraguay. About my sixth try, I met a group of Paraguayans who showed me a puppy and lots of finger pointing. In exchange, I showed them a rubix cube- it was the closest thing next to my computer. After trying to speak some broken Spanish, we said goodbye. I can only imagine what they saw after me. Out of the fifty something strangers I connected to, only a handful were interested in things not associated with sex. I don't think I'll be able to erase the image of that really old guy sitting quietly in front of the camera, naked. I don't think Chat Roulette is for normal conversations, I couldn't do it. When I met someone I could talk to, it got boring and awkward after the initial hello. Greg and I met some nice guys from New Orleans. When we asked them how it was, they said it was good, "except for Katrina." We met another guy from Lyon and another guy from Boston. There were a lot of dudes on Chat Roulette.

If Chat Roulette is the only kind of connection we may hope to have in the future, I am scared. It's like that movie Gamer I saw the other day (I watched it because I was bored. That's all I do here. Go to work and watch movies. I hope that my life will return to relevancy). On second thought, I will not return to Chat Roulette. The images and the insanity of its users are wayyyyy too much.

They're all bastards

Two days after Alexander McQueen killed himself, the Sartorialist was talking about McQueen's growing retail business and how Gucci group has spent millions of dollars on the line.

We are all fucked.

Alexander McQueen committed suicide this morning.

When I was really green, I thought that one day I would be able to own an Alexander McQueen creation. He didn't just make clothes. He made art. He was the most creative designer in the last decade- better than Martin Margiela, Rodarte, Balmain, Balenciaga, Dries Van Noten, Gareth Pugh combined. While these designers made me want to wear their clothes, it was Alexander McQueen who made me want to express myself through clothing.

This isn't the only place thats cold

Lately I have been very angry. I hate driving in Connecticut. Driving here is like playing tennis with a really really really bad opponent. Today, a lady was literally driving 20 mph on the highway. I thought to myself, you must be kidding.

Tomorrow morning, my stupid apartment will be turning off the hot water until Friday. They had to do this during a snow storm.

Yesterday, I read a really great article about how we mourn. It largely centers on the diagnosis and centralization of grief and how over time, mourning has become a personal pursuit instead of a group activity. "To lose someone was once to be swept into a flurry of rituals. In many nations -among them China and Greece- death was met with wailing and lamentation among family and neighbors. Some kind of viewing followed the cleaning of the body." At some point in our society, grief has become a disease rather than a natural reaction to the feeling of loss. I found this article especially interesting considering the many medical retractions and revisions that have been published in the past week- last week a British medical journal, The Lancet, retracted a 1998 paper that stated vaccines may be unsafe. This week, the psychiatry's encyclopedia of mental disorder was revised. We are a nation of disorder. Every emotion, ailment has a title, a syndrome, and a treatment. It is so strange that even mourning has become a psychological disorder. I think the privatization of grief has come from the population shift. We used to be a country of communities instead of individuals. In China, I always had a community, a body of family members close by but prosperity, while great, has caused us to separate. Individuals have lost the community and this shift has made us believe that our grief is at once singular and exclusive.

I wonder what anybody has to say about pre-grief. What do we do when we begin mourning the death of someone before it has happened? What do we do when we know for certain that someone will die in the immediate future?

Things are okay

When I was in college, all I wanted was to have Saturday's and Sunday's to myself. I wanted to wake up in the morning and read the newspaper and have a nice and calm breakfast. I wanted to take walks in the park and take strolls at night. I didn't want to do homework all weekend and hurry from place to place.

Now that I am out of college, I have the time to do these things. Greg bought me a subscription to the New Yorker and so now I get to wake up, make breakfast and read. I also get to listen to Wait Wait Don't Tell Me and I am happy because of this.

Things are okay. They're not great, but I can be thankful for what I have. I am not always grateful or happy. In fact, I am pitiful and depressed most of the time, but at certain moments, I realize that I am very lucky.

Shoes

I don't have any money, but I really want these

New Restaurant to Year Goal

Add: Clinton St. Baking Co. & Restaurant

In addition, I cannot wait to watch Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution on ABC. I wish he came to my town and cooked for us. That would be AWESOME.

Quick Dinner

Greg has been gone for the past week and being the lazy person that I am, I've only made three meals, which has lasted me until today.

On Monday I made Chinese cabbage and ate that for two days with rice. I then took the chili that Greg made a week ago and remade it into a soup with celery, potato, carrots, mushrooms, and corn. It was pretty good and watered down the vast amounts of garlic that was in the chili.

Yesterday I went out for sushi and sat at the bar by myself. It's kind of Greg and mine's neighborhood hang out now so I feel pretty comfortable going there and having a meal by myself. Actually, I felt like pretty cool eating by myself. While there, I read Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison. I had tuna tartar and a spicy scallop roll and a tuna, apple, mango, avocado roll. I really like it there b/c they'll make whatever we ask for. (Side note, does anybody know who you are supposed to tip when you are sitting at the bar? It was weird b/c the waitress would bring me water and sometimes my food, but it was the sushi chef who took my order and made my sushi. I tipped him $4 and the waitress $2. I was embarrassed so I ran out of the restaurant. It wasn't the usual waitress anyway.)

Tonight was my quickest meal. I threw in leftover lettuce, mushrooms, celery, chopped up half an apple and threw in a really old piece of ciabatta bread (I munched on it as a snack like a week ago and didn't throw out the leftovers, I know its gross, but frugal don't you think?) as croutons. For the dressing I used the Thai peanut sauce Greg and I made a few weeks ago. So Voila, I got rid of all of my leftovers and it was rather delicious. It probably tasted better than it was because I was reading the Buttermilk Channel menu when I was eating. I miss all the restaurants in NY. If I lived in NY, I probably could have had every meal out since Greg has been gone.

Tomorrow for lunch I will have the leftover soup. I saved it so I didn't have to cook over the weekend. I'll have to make another batch of soup with the other half of the chili tomorrow.

There is still a squash and chives from when Greg went grocery shopping. Don't you just hate it when other people buy the stuff and they don't cook it? Not that he had time to make it. I love squash, but I don't want to cook it b/c I'd have to chop it all up and throw it in the oven -I know, simple enough, but growing up in a Chinese household, we never used the oven much so I am not so used to cooking that way. Also, I can't just make a squash, I'd have to make other stuff to eat with it, and that's just too much work for me. It be pretty strange just to have a slice of squash for dinner, although I wouldn't put it past me.

For my sake, I hope Greg comes home on Tuesday. Before he left, he joked that I was going to eat cabbage all week, which was close enough. I tend to cook vegetarian when I am by myself because it is the most simple. I don't like to only eat meat so I'd have to cook meat and veggies. I also do not like cooking meat in general so I cook veggies.

The New Yorker

I hope that I get the next issue of the New Yorker. Greg got it for me for our anniversary. I especially want the next issue as it will contain much of J.D. Salinger's short stories, some of which have only been published in the New Yorker back in 1965.

J.D. Salinger, Dead at 91

Today, the great J.D. Salinger died at the age of 91.

Work

My life has come to a stand still since beginning this job. I forget about things I need to do...like check my bank statements, pay my credit card bill, cut my fingernails, etc. I've been forgetting the smallest and most crucial things. I come home, change, and immediately grab a pint of ice-cream and listen to podcasts such as This American Life, the Moth, and Planet Money. My mind is blank, I can't think of anything and I am constantly trying to remember what I should do as a person who is currently not working for the next few hours...and I don't know what to do. I want to work out, but I am tired. I want to read, but the thought of looking at print is tiring.

The Supreme Court Judges must be High

Or stupid. Today the Supreme Court passed a law allowing corporations and unions to spend however they want on campaigns. Way to lose 400 years of history and make government as political as possible.

I do not support Bing.com

So this has been out since November, but I am just writing about it now, because I heard a podcast about it on Planet Money. Bing.com is thinking about paying newspapers for exclusive content. This means Bing.com will pay the Wallstreet Journal tons of money so that when you search for Walstreet Journal, you will have to go to Bing rather than Google. While this may be helpful towards failing newspapers, it is hardly enough money to save them and to maintain the quality of their content.

I think the whole idea sounds a bit illegal. Search engines do not create content, they aggregate content or they can access accent with more ease. So if Bing buys exclusive rights to the Wallstreet Journal, you'll have to go to Bing in order to find and search its content. If you want to find it on Google, tough luck, it won't be there. Which makes equal opportunity unequal. Bing wants to buy these exclusive rights because they feel that they cannot compete with the giant that is Google, but taking content from the world wide web doesn't seem right. So if I want to search on a topic like Flannery O'Connor and there is an article in the Wallstreet Journal, I will not know about if I search on Google. I'll have to do another search on Bing.

I think that information should be free and the whole idea of paying for content is preposterous to me.

NY Events

These are the things I would go to if I lived in NY:

Joyce Carol Oates and Elaine Showalter
92nd Street Y; 1/17 at 11 a.m.; 1395 Lexington Ave., nr. 92nd St.; 212-415-5500
What two better authorities to discuss women and writing on the occasion of the publication of Showalter’s A Jury of Her Peers, a history of American women writers from 1650 to 2000.

Patti Smith
Barnes & Noble; 1/19 at 7 p.m.; 33 E. 17th St., at Broadway.; 212-253-0810
The poet queen of punk reads from her book Just Kids: From Brooklyn to the Chelsea Hotel, a Life of Art and Friendship, about her fabulous, rocky friendship with Robert Mapplethorpe.

Kwame Dawes with Vampire Weekend
Barnes & Noble; 1/21 at 7 p.m.; 33 E. 17th St., at Broadway., 212-253-0810
The Ghana-born poet, who just won an Emmy for his documentary on HIV/AIDS in Jamaica, joins preppy songsters Vampire Weekend, whose highly-anticipated sophomore album Contra came out this week. 1) Free admission + 2) Three sold-out VW shows this week = Get in line early.

Eros

I am currently watching a short film collection called Eros. It is a collection of three short films by Wan Kar Wei (The Hand), Steven Soderbergh (Equilibrium), and Michelangelo Antonioni (Dangerous Thread of Things). Like the Greek god that it is named after, the short films are about eroticism, beauty, and love.

I have only watched the first out of three short films, Wan Kar Wei's The Hand. It is difficult to watch -slow, sad, bewitching, dark. Equally erotic and unbearable, it is about a young tailor who becomes enthralled by a prostitute. As the prostitute ages, loses her clients, beauty, vitality, and health, the tailor continues to be entranced.

Perhaps I haven't watched enough of Wan Kar Wei's work (I've seen Chunking Express, In the Mood for Love, and 2046), but I believe he is more and more drawn to the darker side of love, obsession, and self repression. Since Chunking Express, his movies have become darker and slower. The music has become erotic -more Chinese, French, Italian, and Spanish songs -deeper more meaningful. More strings as opposed to the upbeat pop tunes of the Cranberries and The Mamas and the Papas in Chunking Express. Whereas the two stories in Chunking Express ended relatively optimistic, The Hand, In the Mood for Love, and 2046 have ended far more tragic.

I have become a huge fan of Wan Kar Wei as of late and I have my friend Rachel to thank. His work moves me to create and to work harder.

I also watched An Education this week. I really liked it, but for some reason I can't describe what or why I like it. It was really good though and the soundtrack is great as well.

My gastro schedule for the new year

1. Wondee Siam (the first)

2. inside the Ace Hotel

3. Buttermilk Channel

4. Rockaway Taco (Queens)

5. Le Relais de Venise L'Entrecote

6. Spotted Pig (I am going to treat myself if something really good happens and I don't care if I have to wait three hours)

7. Locande Verde

8. Veselka (always wanted to get pierogie's here, but always end up going somewhere else)

9. Saltie

10. Umi Nom

11. Trini-Gul

12. Calexico Carne Asada

13. Vinegar Hill House

14. M &T

15. Laut

16. Charles' Country Pan Fried Chicken (I've always wanted to get fried chicken in Harlem- let's make it happen this year)

17. Choi

18. Mimi's Hummus

I probably won't go to all of these places, but I sure am going to try. I don't usually make trips out to Brooklyn or Queens and since I am nowhere near Manhattan now, that will be difficult as well, but where there is good food, I will go.

Contra

The new Vampire Weekend album is CRAZY. I thought that Ezra Koenig was brilliant on Discovery...it looks like he carried some of those quick beats over to Vampire Weekend. The African beats are certainly more powerful here, but both have that electro-pop going and are very dynamic.

Road trip 2: Dallas

So for the second time this year, Greg and I drove all the way up to the Northeast (I had to get a car from Texas). We spent New Years in San Antonio (home of breakfast tacos, gorditos, fajitas- the city is ~75% hispanic and you can feel the liveliness everywhere you go).

If you are in Dallas, go to the Bishop Arts District. The area is being gentrified, but there is a nice medium between art, food, and the original culture.

Eat at Hattie's or Eno's Pizza Tavern. Hattie's was closed on the first so we opted for Eno's. I had the grass fed hamburger and fennel and fig (replaced by pears) salad. Greg had a pizza with extra fresh mozzarella and garlic. The hamburger was good, but the patty was a little over salted. However, for $6 it was really really good. The salad needed more acidity. The pizza was good. If you like thin crust, this is the place to go. There was also a Soda Gallery, but unfortunately everything was closed. Lots of other wonderful places so if you are in Dallas, go there!

Hattie's:

418 N Bishop Ave

Dallas, TX 75208

www.hatties.com